“Oh, don’t cry!”
I said. Clearly, full of selfishness with no hint of empathy.
When the words left my lips I cringed. I immediately knelt down next to her sweet face, which was drooped toward the ground as her long hair draped over it. I swept her hair behind her ear and pivoted to “I’m sorry honey, it’s ok to cry.”
But, I couldn’t figure out why “don’t cry” made me cringe. The same words that I had heard so often from parents throughout my life.
Later, as I reflected on it, it seemed clear why those words tasted so wrong coming out of my mouth. Where was the empathy?
She was upset that I was leaving for work. It didn’t happen often but this day she was having an off day and she just wanted her mama. Out of selfishness I uttered “don’t cry” because I didn’t want to deal with the sadness. I didn’t want to feel guilty about leaving them. It broke my heart to leave her while she was crying, and I also didn’t want her crying to upset her younger brother. As mothers, this part of our day can either set a positive or a negative tone, and I wanted to avoid every possible negative tone.
When you tell someone to stop crying, how are you comforting them?
Pivoting to empathy instead of disregarding her feelings helped her feel secure and it reassured her that whether I was there or not, she was going to be ok.
I acknowledged how she felt and the crying quickly turned to “I will just miss you when you’re away.” As she wrapped her little arms around my neck and buried her face in my neck I knew she just needed comfort. The conversation then broached into how we would play a game together once I returned. Tears quickly stopped and she held Knox’s hand as they waved good-bye to me.
She was trying to communicate how she felt, and by asking her to stop crying I wasn’t listening to her.
I recognized that if you request someone stops crying, it is because you are uncomfortable or feel out of control.
More importantly, when you negate someone’s feelings, especially a child, you are teaching them that their feelings are not worth being heard. They then learn to bury those feelings instead of acknowledge them.
But, when someone, is vulnerable enough to show you those emotions, it is not about you. It is about them and their need to be heard. Respect them and their desire to be heard and show them empathy.
Have you ever asked someone you love to stop crying instead of showing empathy?
I challenge you to take a step back and approach it differently next time.
Instead try:
- “I’m honored you feel safe enough to cry to me.”
- “It’s ok to cry. Can I hug you?”
- “How can I help?”
Always in love,
