What does it mean to help a new mom or dad?
Four years ago I was a new mom taking care of a newborn. The long 9 month wait was certainly exciting, and all I wanted to do when I met her was sit and hold her. I enjoyed every second of smelling her hair, kissing her little hands and hearing her newborn grunts. It was hard to care about anything other than spending time with her and my husband.
I wanted to sit still and not worry about cooking or cleaning. Likewise, I didn’t want to have to think about anything other than my daughters next meal or when we could nap again.
My sister was 3 babies in and carrying her 4th. She knew what it was like to take care of a newborn baby and feel alone as she lived thousands of miles from family. My mom and I had been able to go down and see her, but we weren’t able to time it well enough to help her out after the birth. Sadly, we barely made it for the birth.
She prioritized being there for us. She flew up from California a couple weeks after Nova was born and stayed with us. Being a postpartum nurse, she had little tricks she taught me and I’ll never forget the day Nova was crying and she calmed her so simply by shushing in her ear.
Most importantly, she wanted me to sit still and hold my baby. She cleaned our bathrooms and made our meals. If I was to do anything other than go to the bathroom, she would remind me to sit down and snuggle my baby. The last thing she did before she flew back to California was clean our oven while at the same time making me 3 months of breakfast burritos (my favorite breakfast food).
I wanted to breastfeed as long as I could and she knew that. Therefore, she wanted to make sure I was eating enough calories to keep breastfeeding once I went back to work. She supported me in ways I never even imagined I would need.
Don’t take the baby!
Do the dishes. Do the laundry. Mop the floor. Clean the bathrooms. Make the meals. The parents have been waiting for this baby for a very long time and all they want to do is hold him or her. Not only is this what the parents want, the baby wants this too. Babies need their parents the second they are born and not to be passed from person to person. Help support those new parents by doing the things they don’t want to be doing.
Bring gifts for the parents
Parent needs, especially moms, are unfortunately forgotten through the pregnancy and birthing process. People show up with cute baby clothes and accessories which is amazing. Yet, moms have just gone through the most difficult physical experience of their life and are forgotten.
Next time your friend has a baby bring a meal, a case of beer for the dad, and a massage gift card for the mom. Moreover, they need all the love and support they can get, because the first few months of newborn life are difficult.
Here are a few more ideas:
- Housekeeper gift card
- Amazon subscribe & save monthly diapers
- Photography session – for milestone photos
- Netflix or other streaming service subscription
- Envelopes for date nights which includes
- Gift card for restaurant
- Cash to cover babysitter fees/voucher for you to watch the baby
- Movie ticket vouchers
Stop telling them to reach out if they need help
Mom brain is real thing, and new dads are consumed with work and trying to balance this new life of theirs. You mean well when you say “if you need anything let me know” yet it is not helpful. Reach out to them first. Call and have specific ideas:
I have an hour over my lunch break today, can I bring you lunch?
Friday night we have no plans. Can I knock out some laundry for you while we enjoy a glass of wine?
I want to order a delivery dinner for you and your hubby this week, what would you like?
Don’t give advice
The last thing a new parent needs is advice from other parents. Ultimately, all they need is love, support and a little bit of space. If they want advice, they will certainly ask for it. Additionally, remember you don’t know it all either and were once a new parent yourself. Therefore be quiet and listen more than you talk.
Give them space, but not too much.
Do not drop by unannounced (really, just never do this, to anyone). Do not constantly ask if you can come over. For the first 3 weeks of my daughters life we had someone stop by our house – it was exhausting. We felt so special that she was so loved, and at the same time I needed space.
You can call and if they don’t answer, respect that. Expect that they aren’t constantly by their phone, and respect that. Do not forget to check in with a text or a phone call here and there. If they don’t respond, understand they are experiencing a life change and need their space too.
Respect their wishes around and about their baby
- If they want you to wash your hands every single time you hold their baby, do it.
- If they want to wrap or hold their baby while he or she sleeps, good for them! They are nurturing and loving parents.
- They have decided not to take their baby out of the house for the first 3 months to protect him or her; more power to them.
Whatever the parents choose for their family is what they believe is best. Choices are especially hard as a parent, and most parents think those choices through. They have reasons behind what they are choosing. All they need is to be respected.
Just stop judging them
I never did that with my baby and she’s just fine.
Well, good for you. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what you think. It has become too common for parents to compare what they did to what someone else is doing. Every involved and loving parent is doing their best and they need the space to make decisions for their family, free of judgment.
If you cannot be supportive and loving, stay away. It may seem harsh, but new parents need support, not criticism.
Love them, because that’s all they need!
XO,
Angel
