How To Set Healthy Expectations

A word that makes most people cringe: expectations. Why have we come to believe this word is nasty or unfair? Because we have tied expectations to results instead of behavior.

Healthy expectations exist when you are measuring behavior, not results.

It is important for you to know the difference between expecting a certain result versus a certain behavior. If you expect to be treated with the same amount of respect that you give to your spousethat is healthy. If you expect to have a perfect marriage that is an unhealthy expectation.

We are human. We falter and make mistakes, but we always have a choice in how we act.

I expect a lot out of the behavior in the people I choose to spend my time with, and that is a healthy expectation. I choose to spend time with people who are kind, loving and uplifting. If I did not have those expectations or know what I deserve, I would allow very unhealthy behaviors in my life.

Understand Your Worth

You are the only person who controls your destiny. The only way you can have the life you dream of, is to first understand your worth. You are a child of God and regardless of any past mistakes you have made, He loves you.

You are worthy of all things good.

If you expect yourself to remain sober, you must expect that support of those around you as well. You are not expecting them to be sober, but you expect their behavior to support your goals. If they invite you out to a party and encourage you to come by skipping A.A. that is obviously unhealthy. Placing behavior expectations on those you love is healthy.

Treat Others How You Want To Be Treated

Have you ever come across people who expect you to treat them like a King or Queen but treat you like garbage? Yeah, that will leave you very lonely in your old age. Kindness is free, and if you desire to set healthy expectations of yourself and those you love, you must be kind. You do not deserve any more than the person you are sitting next to, you are equals and treat each other that way.

Know the Difference between Behavior and Results

The business world, which I have been a part of for 15 years, is driven off of results. Unfortunately, leaders don’t always believe that results intertwine with behavior, but you can always have healthy expectations revolving around behavior.

There are certain things in life that are outside of your control. Behavior, is never one of those things. If your car breaks down and you miss a meeting; that is life. If your car breaks down, but you do not communicate that to your team as soon as you have a chance; that is a behavior choice. Typically, this behavior choice will warrant a consequence in the business world.

Life will throw curve balls at you. I was unemployed at one point in my career and it was a very painful time. I could only control my behavior, but not whether I obtained a new job or not. As an inherent overachiever that was not easy to swallow. I expected a lot of results, but I never should have. It placed a lot of stress on me to expect results of my efforts. I should have only expected myself to act responsibly, apply, interview and leave the rest in His hands.

Be Patient

We are all a work in progress. If you know the expectations you want to have of yourself but are not quite at the point of consistently following through, it is OK. You are human. You are going to make mistakes. However, it does not mean that you should change those expectations and/or goals that you have for yourself.

Likewise, you should not change those expectations of your loved ones if they are behavior based and healthy. Most of all, be patient with yourself and your loved ones. Some behaviors have been ingrained in us from childhood and it takes patience to change them. If you have loved ones that are trying to overcome behaviors that are ingrained in them, support them the best you can and have healthy expectations of interactions with them.

Communicate

Communication is key when you are defining your expectations. Whether you are in a relationship, are a parent or are letting your employees know what the culture of your business is, communication is imperative.

Typically, if you have not understood your own worth you will allow things that are unhealthy in your life. You will allow unhealthy treatment from your employer, relationship and/or children. Therefore you may not have the confidence to communicate your expectations.

Focusing on communication and understanding your worth simultaneously can boost your confidence. This can then help support your development of healthy expectations.

I will not expect my children to receive A’s in school and I will communicate that to them. I will expect them to act like school is their job and their number one priority, because it is. If they are prioritizing school, and working hard then they are meeting my expectations of behavior. The results that come are outside of their control. The rest of their life, their behavior will determine their success not the results.

Setting expectations of yourself and others is healthy as long as you revolve it around behavior. If you expect yourself to lose 50 pounds in 3 months, how does that make you feel? If you expect yourself to work out 3x a week and eat healthy, how does that make you feel?

When you set expectations around behavior it tends to decrease stress levels, because behavior is within everyones control. Yet, when you set expectations around results this tends to push stress levels to all time highs which is counterintuitive.

I have a goal of being a better mom. I know I will never be perfect. Yet, I can’t become a better mom if I don’t set expectations on myself. In order to help me, I implemented ways such as reading a daily motherhood devotional to help support my desire to be a better mom to my kids.

You can set healthy expectations of yourself and others. Behavior based expectations is essential for success in all areas of life.

XO,

Angel