“Why doesn’t my husband help around the house more?”
Have you ever heard a woman say that? I have. What if you heard a man say something like that?
There are few things that make me as feisty as the word ‘help’ when referencing partnership duties in a marriage.
Why? Because it all comes back to communication.
You are supposed to be partners. When you see something that needs to be done, do it honey. Yes, it is natural as a woman to see more things that need to be done because that is how our brains work. So, if your husband doesn’t see something that needs to be done, but you do, and you don’t have time, ask him. Vice versa. Respectful communication goes a long way in every relationship, especially marriage.
.
“Honey, would you mind washing the dishes so I can read to the kids?”
How would your husband respond if you approached him that way?
It is hard for someone to respond with anger or irritation when they are approached in a loving way. Respectful communication truly is the root of a happy relationship.
versus…
“The sink is ALWAYS full of dishes, I’m so sick of having to do everything around here. Maybe if I didn’t have to, I’d have time to do things like read to the kids.”
My husband is very laid back, which is one of the many reasons I fell in love with him. And, part of his laid-back style means he isn’t always aware of errands that need to be run or household things that need to be done. Growing up I was told “if you see something that needs to be done, just do it.” and my personality is very much an urgent “doer” per say.
It used to drive me crazy, the fact that he didn’t see what needed to be done. I would get resentful and extremely angry. I felt like everything fell on me to recognize, organize, and facilitate. I would do ‘everything’ and then become incredibly resentful about it. I would bottle it up until I’d explode. Yet, it could have easily been solved with simple communication and appreciation.
When I finally became vulnerable and shared with him my frustrations I started to realize it isn’t that he doesn’t want to be a great partner. He’s a great man, he cares deeply about me and my happiness, but how can I expect him to know what matters to me if I don’t communicate with him? It was unfair of me. It required me to be vulnerable, and I wasn’t always good at that. I’d rather just take care of things myself and protect my stubborn self.
One night last week, I got home late from work. It was 6pm by the time I finally got home. Eric had lost track of time and hadn’t started supper. I immediately started supper because Knox is always in bed between 6:45 and 7, so we only had a short window of time.
I threw some eggs in a pan and we had eggs, avocado toast, berries and cucumbers. Some days you have time for salmon other days you have time for toast!
He lost track of time because he was in the basement playing with our kids.
He works a fulltime job, he coaches basketball, he plays on 2 basketball teams, and after a long day of work he picked our kids up from daycare and played with them in the basement for two straight hours. #cuemamatears
Would I rather he had cut the time short with them and made supper? No.
Our kids are so lucky to have a dad that gets lost in play with them. Our kids are away from us enough, and the fact that he prioritized time with them over starting supper means more to me than he will ever know. Loss has really taught me to control my perspective and to focus on the things that truly matter.
However, I could have looked at it differently like I may have 10 years ago.
I could have been angry that I had to make supper “again”, and that the house was a mess, but I wasn’t. He even offered to make supper so I could hang out with the kids, but I needed those quiet 10 minutes of food prep before hanging out.
I was grateful.
He is a great man, as most husbands are. We marry typically because we love the other person and when you love someone you want to do everything in your power to support their happiness. Knowing this is how he feels as well, I know he would never purposely do something that causes me stress or hurts me.
We are both doing our best every day, and I will always remind myself of that. We both carry a lot of weight raising 2 young kids, working 2 full time jobs, prioritizing our exercise time, and everything else in life.
Isn’t it more helpful to recognize what IS being done versus what isn’t?
It doesn’t fix anything to bear resentment. You just end up feeling worse and you make the people you love feel horrible.
No job is “HIS” job or “HER” job.
We are partners. Yes, there are certain tasks he tends to do more often and vice versa but nothing is ‘his’ or ‘hers’. We communicate what we each see as current priorities and then decide together how to tackle them.
I do not believe there is such a thing as over-communication. Anger, resentment and bitterness derives from lack of communication. So, we talk, and we talk again, and we talk again…it might drive some people crazy, but it sure works for us.
Last weekend I wanted to organize my closet and drawers (Marie Kondo, am I right ladies?). I also wanted to organize the kid’s clothes. I knew the floors also needed to be cleaned. We discussed how the kids needed new boots and we needed to order and pick up our weekly groceries. He had Monday off, due to a holiday and said he needed to get stuff done for work and may still bring the kids to daycare. We talked about it all and narrowed down a rough timeline of how and when we could accomplish it all.
On Sunday, the kids went down for a nap and I was cleaning vigorously. He suggested that he run and pick up the groceries we ordered online and check a few stores for Knox’s milk so I could continue down the list. I was on board, he left, and I continued cleaning. A little while after the kids woke up we were ready to head on a family outing to Target to get some snow boots. To top the day off we went and enjoyed a family meal at a restaurant together.
We can always do better, but that day our teamwork was off the charts. It felt awesome.
Our home is ours.
Our kids are ours.
Our lawn is ours.
Our garbage is ours.
You get the point.
Implement guidelines, but only use them as such
If one of us cooks, the other one does the dishes. At least, that’s the unwritten rule. I tend to cook more often. However, I never assume he will do them and I never expect him to.
When Eric does cook, he typically goes against the unwritten rule and offers to wash the dishes. I go to bed early and he doesn’t, so he says he doesn’t mind doing the dishes.
It takes away from our time together; I will do them after we hang out and watch our show for a while.”
Sold. You can do them. #youlittlesweetieyou
I started doing the dishes a couple nights ago after the kids were asleep and he told me he would do them. I said
I appreciate you always saying that, but I will do some of them tonight. It won’t take long.”
Appreciation is to a man what a spa day is to a woman. 
It is motivating when your partner appreciates the effort you put in, even if it’s not in the areas you wish it were in.
Laundry is a similar task. It is a weekend thing, and I don’t ever mind folding because I’m particular about it and I like all the drawers to look a certain way. He tends to sort, wash and dry the laundry. Inevitably, if I don’t get to the folding or we both happen to have time while the kids are napping we tackle it together.
You are a team, act like it.
Football is an easy reference for me, because we love it. #gosteelers
Imagine you are watching a football game and the team starts fighting because they think a missed touchdown is everyone else’s fault.
“You should have gotten that! Why didn’t you do your part?”
Is it helping?
Is it creating an environment of success?
It is only hurting everyone involved and creating a culture of blame instead of a culture of teamwork and accountability.
You and your husband are the football team. No job is his, and no job is yours. You are in this together. Start acting and communicating like it.
Always in love,
5 Replies to “My husband doesn’t “help” me around the house.”
I love this! ❤️ So much truth, that I need reminded of often. Thank you for writing this!
This is great! We do the same. Communication is key and a great example to kids. I know when our kids were young and we would work on yard as a family they would do their assigned chore and then sit and say they were done. We taught them it ain’t over till it’s over we all work together to get it done we are a team and sometimes one will do more than another and others make up the difference but they get the same leeway when they need it. I hope they carry that into their marriages.
That is such a great learning opportunity, I love that you did that!
I can’t tell you how much I needed this today (especially after last night). We literally had a blow up fight about these very topics last night and then went to bed incredibly upset with the other, feeling very hurt and unappreciated. I feel like I do EVERYthing around the house. He tells me to “just ask”, but I’m that typical “I don’t want to have to ask, I just want you to do it” kind of wife. But we did open the lines of communication and I think will be working together a lot more than we used to. He pointed out that I am a perfectionist (instead of control freak like I’m sure he wanted to tell me LOL) and I often like to do things a very certain way. Which is absolutely true and I can stick to doing those things myself, certainly. But having a husband who feels like my teammate in this battle called life would take so much stress off my shoulders. I will definitely keep our lines of communication open and encourage us to talk more about how much we appreciate the other and prioritizing things (playing with kids vs late dinner, as you reference) in a way that seems natural and works for our life. Again, thank you. This article couldn’t have come at a better time <3
I’m so moved that this was so timely for you. It is very hard to let go of how you want things done, and accept what IS being done. I will always be working on it. Gratitude and communication does so much good for a marriage, and I’m so grateful this found it’s way to you if only to help in some small way ❤️ Thank you for reading!