Stop telling my kids to share.
You want them to share because it makes you feel good, it makes you proud, but why? We as adults often influence children to do things out of selfish reasons.
Is it best for them to share the toy they are playing with?
Is it best for them to split their snack in half and give to their friend?
Typically, adults praise children when they see them share, but have you ever stopped to ask yourself why?
As an adult, how often are you sharing your food, vehicle, or clothes? Not very often, and only because you want to, right? At some point you learned that you’re only going to share if you want to. So, why don’t we encourage the same thing of our children?
My children are very loving and they love seeing other people happy, especially their friends and adults they respect. This, has led to quite a few issues due to the adults in their lives encouraging sharing and praising them for it. They have caught onto the fact that this makes them happy and as a child, of course this makes them feel good.
I am not ok with my kids believing they need to do anything to please anyone.
I want them to recognize how they feel when they do something good or bad.
If we are manipulating their feelings by encouraging them to do things due to how it makes US as adults feel, we are negating the whole learning process.
When was the last time you asked your child, “How did that make you feel?” and just listened, with no preconceived belief of how they should respond?
If they are playing with a toy and a child asks to play with it, but they are still playing with it, they should feel confident enough to say, “I’m still playing with it.”
They do not just develop this confidence without coaching and reminding them that it is ok to speak up.
I witnessed my daughter walk into daycare one day with her favorite granola bar in hand. A boy walked up and asked if he could have part of it. She graciously obliged and they skipped off playing together.
A few days later she showed up at daycare with no granola bar. The same boy asked her if he could have a granola bar, so she walked up to her teacher and asked for one from her snack bin. Her teacher obliged thinking it was for her and her dad immediately stepped in and said no as he had witnessed the whole exchange.
We honed in on that as we had never seen her do something like that before. Immediately we started noticing how we could be doing a better job encouraging her to speak up.
First, we emphasized with her teacher that we do not want sharing of food at all.
This is a rule already at daycare, but can easily be missed as they come in in the morning with food.
Secondly, we have been very focused on making sure she knows that she has a right to what she is eating or playing with.
If she is playing with a toy and Knox tries to take it, we take it, give it back to her, and say “Nova was playing with that. When she is done, you can have it.” Vice versa, if Knox is playing with something we do the same.
Her confidence has grown tenfold just since we started doing this, and their respect for each other seems to have grown as well.
As we walked into daycare this morning, Nova was carrying her favorite cereal. A child walked up and asked if he could have some, she shook her head and kept eating, unaffected.
I wanted to high five her, but felt it quite inappropriate. Wink. Wink.
Kindness and sharing do not always go hand in hand. If I set them up to believe that the only way to be kind is to sacrifice for others, this does not set them up for success as an adult.
- You must love yourself before you can fully love others.
- You must take care of yourself before you can fully take care of and serve others.
We are one in the same.
I know too many people that have sacrificed prioritizing themselves for others and where do you think they learned that? I will not teach my kids that.
So please, stop telling my kids to share.
Instead, tell them “If you’re still playing with that, go ahead. When you are done, you can share it if you would like.”
“It is not how much we give, but how much love we put into giving.” Mother Theresa
XO,
8 Replies to “Stop telling my kids to share.”
This is a very interesting approach to sharing. My daughter is 16 months old and we’re reaching a point where sharing is becoming a topic of great greif among us parents. I think it’s because we don’t like to see our children in conflict with another individuals child, and I know I worry about what other parents think of me in that situation. I feel like I have to get involved to stop conflict. I like the idea of getting involved to not to make sure sharing happens, but to make sure my child is being respected. Thank you for that perspective. You are absolutely right that as adults we rarely share things, unless we want to, or it’s in our joint favor/ important to do so. For instance, my husband and I share one car with each other. And even when I don’t want to I have to this. Or when my husband shares his phone with me when my phone dies and we to find directions, etc. There are things that are important like that for kids to share, like a shared plate of food at a family gathering or the markers in the middle of the table for a school project. In a young child’s mind, how do we differentiate that from sharing a toy?
It is very hard to get to a point where you parent, without regarding what other parents think of you. I truly don’t know if we ever get to that place! Sharing has been pushed for ages, and I do not always believe it is healthy to instill that in children. In reference to your question, there is quite a difference between sharing markers in the middle of the table and sharing the red marker you have in your hand. It has to do with what you are in possession of at the moment. If a child is not using something, I see nothing wrong with clarifying to them that it is a kind gesture to let others play with the toys they are not using, or in this case, using the markers they are not using. However, forcing them to give up the red marker they are using is unhealthy. I hope that helps clarify!
I love this! It’s super interesting, and something I’d never really thought about before. It’s so true – we don’t really share things as adults, and I’m not really sure what important life lesson this teaches our kids. I’m not convinced people who were forced to share their toys as children are more generous, caring, or compassionate as a result!
I agree! I don’t think it teaches compassion or generosity, I believe we show that by protecting them and them seeing adults behave compassionately toward them.
I will never tell another person’s child to share but sharing is necessary in the adult world… step outside of yourself and into social situations. People share bathrooms in college. People share food in a household. People share tools at work. People share equipment at the gym. You were running late and forgot lunch? I will share mine with you. Entitlement and selfishness are not good qualities to teach so I will continue to encourage my kids to share. I don’t make them share and I don’t make others share but I will continue to raise good humans that care about others and want to help others. I share my money, food, and clothes by donating and helping others by sharing my time and I will continue to encourage sharing because that is how we raise good, caring humans.
Sam I appreciate your take on this. As I mentioned in my article, this has a lot to do with what you are in possession of at the moment. When you are driving your car and your sister asks you if she can use it, you don’t immediately pull over and let her take it from you. You wait until you are done or no longer need it. If a child is playing with something and you require them to share it, the child perceives that they only do good when they sacrifice what they like or want. This can potentially create adolescent and adult problems of lack of confidence, inability to stand up for oneself, lack of self love and many other things. Encouraging self love and collaboration is important but we do not achieve that by considering ourselves and our needs as less than anyone elses.
I agree with this. We don’t have to share everything. Thank you for this!
You’re right, we don’t. We often feel pressured into doing so, then succumb to those pressures and become people pleasers. I’m happy you enjoyed a different perspective!