We aren’t born with the demons that we battle. Somewhere along the way we are exposed to something that triggers us to react a certain way, and then ultimately we develop demons that we carry and battle for the rest of our lives.

I spent a few years at a large corporation and ultimately was offered a promotion into a position I desperately wanted. Initially, I rejected it, solely because I did not want to report to that Director. He had a unbecoming reputation and was a very crass person. Fast forward a few weeks and they offered me a higher salary and the opportunity became too good to turn down. I knew that if I could stick it out for a year or two it put me in a better position career wise, so I accepted and spent the next 2 years of my career in turmoil until I was let go due to downsizing.

The Director was battling his own demons and when I initially rejected the position I knew I may not be strong enough to avoid being pulled down by him. I was a confident woman, and he did not like that so it fueled him to tear me down. I was happy, and that seemed to make him angry. Everything I did, was wrong. He frequently talked about how he hated being around his kids and his wife, that he wished he could travel more and be around them less. It broke my heart. I did everything within my power to retain my joy, and refuse to let him steal it, but I failed a lot of the time. I will never know what he experienced in his own life to desire to treat people so poorly, but I do know that he is human and he must feel deep pain in order to inflict it on others. I only wish the best for him and I am grateful that he asked me to join his team because the lessons I learned and the growth I experienced there are irreplaceable.

I seemed to be in situations like this, frequently. I started analyzing why, and what I could do differently. I realized, people speak a lot about control and often use it as an excuse.

“I don’t have any control over that.”

Yes, that is true sometimes. You cannot control results, but you do control effort. You cannot control other people, but you do control how you allow them to treat you.

You control your attitude.

You control your environment.

You control your perspective.

You control your mindset.

I have experienced the feeling of joy slipping away, because I have allowed other people’s negativity to bring me down. Over the years, though, I have developed habits that now seem second nature and they have helped me make it through some very difficult situations. I was humbled, ‘one too many times’ (or at least that’s what my “poor me” human mind thought). However, I now know it was necessary to be exposed to the same situations multiple times because I hadn’t learned what I needed to yet. I had not been humbled enough.

I will expand on the habits I formed below but before I do, it’s important to know that it is not easy, I am still a work in progress like everyone, and you must allow yourself grace. It is especially difficult, if the people that are affecting us are our loved ones, whom sometimes we feel emotionally indebted to. It is painful and it is a process. However, like anything worth having, if you put in consistent effort and self redirection, these will become daily habits that are second nature.

Not everything is about you

Did the lady in the drive thru at Starbucks refuse to smile when you picked up your coffee?

Did your neighbor walk in her house without saying hello?

Did your son forget to call once his kids were in bed?

Did your daughter snap at you after a long day at school?

Did your boss brush you off when you needed a minute to share your idea?

Oh I’m sorry, but not everything is about you.

Often, people are fighting silent battles, riding the roller coaster of life, or have a million things running through their head that they struggle to realize the impact of their interactions or lack thereof. They are battling their own demons. Remind yourself of this when you tend to internalize every reaction or lack of interaction, and drop the judgement.

The sooner you accept that not everything is about you and stop taking every sigh, frown, angry voice, or lack of interaction personally, the sooner you can regain control of your own joy.

There are times it IS about you, but unless that is directly shared with you, you are wasting your energy and suffocating your joy.

Accept responsibility

You are the only one that controls your joy. If you believe someone is affecting your ability to experience joy, reflect on why. Are you allowing them to steal your joy because you feel weak and under their control in some way? Focus on what you can control. Ask yourself important questions such as these:

Are you a good person?

Are you doing everything you can to be a good person?

Are you a good employee? 

Are you doing everything you can, to be a good employee?

If so…isn’t that all that matters? If you are doing the best you can, you love yourself, why does someone else’s opinion affect you so deeply?

Why are you allowing their negativity to steal your joy in life? 

Typically, when you are allowing someone else’s negativity to affect your joy, you are internalizing the demons that they are personally battling. Those are their demons, do not take them on. This is a dangerous trap to fall into because eventually you start associating your worth with how someone else treats you. You need to accept responsibility for how you are allowing others to treat you and whether you are allowing them to steal your joy.

If you believe you are a victim, that is what you will be

You are not a victim of someone’s reactions unless you allow yourself to be. If someone has treated you poorly, it is important to remember it has nothing to do with you. Yes, there are times you will do things that irritate another person, but that does not justify them treating you poorly. If they choose that as fuel to use against you, that defines them, not you. This puts you in a place to make a choice: allow it or not. If you allow it, you will start to allow them to take your joy from you because you will internalize their criticisms. You must believe you deserve more than that.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are experiencing, what I like to refer to as someone “blocking your oxygen” be mindful to hear them. However, do not internalize their anger or criticisms. Their opinions do not define your worth.

Reflect on any situation in which you felt like the victim and ask yourself what you could have controlled in the situation. In my job situation, I could have sought out a new job with a different Director, but I often weighed the pros and cons of that. I chose to stay in that position because the benefits outweighed the challenges. I was not a victim, I chose to stay and endure what I endured. No, that is not easy to admit because it was awful at times but I did choose my environment and I could have chosen differently.

Stop talking about negative things

Your boss ticked you off and now it’s all you can think about, and all you can apparently talk about. Stop talking about it.

There is a difference between a 5 minute vent session with a close confidant and dragging people into a negative downward spiral. You have to be self aware enough to realize when to stop talking about negative crap.

Do you feel good after you complained for an hour to anyone that will listen?

My guess is, no. Stop. When you see yourself headed down this path, redirect yourself with a simple positive thought.

It is so beautiful outside today.

I’m excited to see my kids after work.

Man this sandwich is delicious.

Negative things happen, it is life, but that does not mean you need to talk about it all the time.

Consciously choose to focus on the good, the blessings, the things that bring you joy. You will easily retain your joy if you focus on what brings you joy.

Most importantly…

Understand the power of empathy

Empathy is learned. You either witnessed it growing up or witnessed it as an adult, but it is a learned behavior. Maybe you didn’t witness it, and you lack empathy and don’t truly understand what it means.

I challenge you, learn what it means and work every day to become more empathetic.

Empathy changes everything. 

If you mix empathy with changing your perspective, you will be a master at retaining your joy. When I started to view people through a different light and empathizing with the pain that was motivating their actions, I was able to love more deeply. I was able to view them as a human being that struggles, just like me, instead of a tyrant that liked to cause hurt.

Once you understand your power, no one can steal your joy.