Gratitude after a painful Divorce.

I am happily married. I have been for over 10 years.

Today, my parents would have celebrated 35 years of marriage. I am not sure divorced parents know that their children will always remember their anniversary. Being a parent myself, I always find it surprising when my child remembers anything I have told them.

Love is something I have always known, and something I witnessed often. I am lucky. I know some aren’t fortunate enough to experience love the way I have and do. I am grateful.

I come from, what would be considered a large family. I have 6 siblings. My parents were married for almost 30 years. I was 27 when my parents got divorced.

My siblings range in age from 33 to 13. There is a gap of 11 years between the older 4 and the younger 3. The young ones memories mostly consist of my parents being apart as they were separated for a few years prior to the divorce.

It is hard. I often wonder, would it have been easier to be them and to know no other life than the one of them separated? Then, I realize, no, they don’t have the memories. Those precious memories. They hear about them. The stories. The laughter as their older siblings share silly stories about growing up on the farm. They don’t have those.

They have new memories. Different memories. Precious memories. Memories in which I sit on the sidelines when they laugh as they share inside jokes and tease each other.

I only knew Grandma and Grandpa.

My children know Grandma and Grandpa. Nana and Papa. Grandpa.

Nova and I watched the Royal Wedding together. She watched as much as a 3 year old could before trailing off and leading into a conversation about her daddy and I being married…and her saying “Knox and I are married”. She believes when you love someone, are best friends (as she refers to her brother as), you are married to them and that’s that. Even if it is your brother. It’s innocent and so precious. As we flipped through our wedding photos, she looked at my family photo, which was taken prior to the divorce and she said “Hey mama, where’s papa?!”

She never knew Nana and Grandpa were married. She loves Papa and is unaware he “didn’t exist”.

I quickly tried to think of how to relay such a complex subject to my 3 year old. I said “Oh…Papa wasn’t part of our family yet, baby.”

I choked back tears.

She climbed down and started playing ponies and I stared at the photos as if they were from someone else’s life. It seemed so long ago.

35 years ago, they walked down an aisle like that and said I do.

They had 7 children. They were committed to us, and raising us in the best way they knew how. They made us resilient, hardworking, self sufficient and grateful people. I am grateful for them and their love.

Like I imagine any divorce is, it was a difficult, for all involved. 5 years later the pain is still real, but has subsided as you adjust to a new normal.

I abruptly lost my best friend when I was 19 years old.

You are forced to accept something that once was, no longer exists the way it used to.

You are forced to choose: move forward with the memories, or refuse to move.

I am a mover.

I worked my way through the dark. I cried the painful tears. I ran many miles while blasting my heavy metal music. I tried to fix it. Something that wasn’t mine for the fixing.

Life evolves as you’re living it. The beauty that continued to come through all the pain showed me how prominent God and his steadfast love is.

My dad began to laugh again.

I got pregnant.

My mom met a man. A man who continually focuses on how he can improve himself for my her and my family.

The storm has passed. The sun is shining. The flowers are blooming.

I am grateful for the love they showed me. I am grateful for the lessons their divorce taught me.

I look at my husband and I love him deeper.

I see him with our two precious babies and I feel joy.

I hug him as they watch. I hear “group hug time!” As Nova joins in and hugs our legs.

They will know love. They will witness love. I am more committed to that because of their pain.

I am grateful.

For the pain.

“As we know that for those who love God all things work together for good” Romans 8:28

I will teach my children to choose their perspective wisely and to be grateful for the abundance of love that they are surrounded with.

They have an army of love surrounding them, and that army may look different than I ever imagined, but I am grateful for that.

They are lucky.

Just like me.